So I need to share a story, because I need to get it off my chest. It's epically long, but the sheer ridiculousness of it astounds me.
I'm going to preface this story by saying that I only meet crazy guys ever. Ever, ever.
So I met this guy online, his name's Grant. Grant is HIV-positive. Strike one, but fine. I can handle that. He seems really nice, we have a lot in common, and he's really great to talk to. But then he starts texting me. Every day. Every. Day. He got offended that I didn't call him at all a day after we met. Eeeeek! Strike two: CLINGY. UGH. So then I find out that he just looooves doing coke. Like, really. Have you ever met anyone who's readily admitted to doing coke, and enjoying it? Strike three! Drug addict! I should've said "See ya" but I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. He obviously doesn't get a lot of guys who show interest because he's positive, so I was trying to stand out from the crowd.
Bad mistake.
So, then he starts asking me about my views on relationships. Now, my personal opinion about sex and relationships is that if you're not in a relationship, there's no reason you shouldn't feel free to get laid if you're horny. Sex in relationships is awesome, don't get me wrong. But there's no reason to deny yourself a basic, biological need just because you're not in one. Oh, he didn't like that. "Well I only have sex in relationships, and any guy I'm with should feel the same." So I was like, "Well I didn't say that I'm not monogamous when I'm in a relationship, but if you're not with someone, what's stopping you?" And he just repeated himself. Not "if a guy is in a relationship with me, he should only be having sex with me." No, no, no! He has to "feel the same." Strike four: can't handle differing opinions on anything. He continued by asking "How do you feel about open relationships?" And I said "Well I've never been in one, I'm not opposed to the idea, I guess, but it's hard for me to say." He immediately responded with "Yeah, we're not going to work out." And I was like "yeah, hm. Okay. o_O"
So I was like, okay. I'm not interested in you romantically, but I'm gonna find out just how fucking batshit nutso this kid really is. So even after this miserable epic fail of a conversation, he still proceeds to text me at all hours of the day, and gets upset when I don't respond right away. Strike five: clingy, even when he knows we aren't going to work out. Flippin' Jehosephat. So, he starts up a conversation about what he wants in a guy again, because he's obviously still thinking that I care one way or the other about his feelings for me, and he's like "Do you go to bars or clubs?" I respond honestly, by saying "Well, I have before, and I probably will in the future. I don't go that often, but it's nice to get out every once in a while." His response, you ask? Just imagine. "Well, I don't want a guy that likes to go out to those places. He can't go without me, and I don't like going." Strike six: major. fucking. trust issues. Not only does he have trust issues, but it's becoming increasingly clear that he wants a carbon copy of himself. So at this point, I've had pretty much enough. And gosh I wish I had saved the AIM conversation, but I'll try and sum it up.
I basically said to him, "You know, relationships are about compromise."
He gives me this big spiel about how he can't compromise on these things, because he's been hurt in the past, and he refuses to settle.
I respond "So because you've been hurt by guys who go to clubs, and have differing opinions on relationships from you, you're ruling everyone out?"
He repeats himself that he won't settle for just anyone.
I say "Well there's a difference between settling, and not giving someone a chance?"
He repeats that he's been hurt in the past, especially by guys who run away when they find out he's positive. (Surprised?)
I ask if he's ever dated any other positive guys in the past, since it's natural for guys to be wary of someone's who's positive. He says he hasn't, so then I suggest he looks a positive guy I had dated in the past, and he looks him up on MySpace, and instantly writes him off as not being compatible.
(This whole conversation is strikes seven through sixty-four I think: he argues like a Republican [giving the same asinine excuses for every question], pigheadedness, and the inability to do anything that isn't exactly as he wants it [is that a form of OCD?].)
So then, to end the conversation, I say, "Did you ever think, for a second, that the reason you can't find anyone is because the guy that you want is a carbon copy of yourself? That you've created a "perfect man" that no one could possibly live up to?"
He responds "No." and then signs off.
Strike sixty five: inability to listen to reason.
I was hoping that was the end of it. No, no. He IM'd me this morning, and made small talk, and when I expressed incredulity, the conversation was as follows:
And last but not least, I updated my Facebook status to read "Ryan only attracts the crazies" forgetting that he's one of my Facebook friends. o_O He IM'd me about three seconds after I updated, and said "Are you calling me crazy?" Strike sixty-six: stalkerish! I made up some excuse about how it wasn't him, so I didn't have to argue with him again, and then put up an away message.
O.
M.
F.
G.
Comments?
Heeeeey. So I haven't given a proper post in a while, and I'm bored at work, so here's what I've been up to!
What I'm Reading:
What I'm Watching:
What I'm Listening To:
Alright, so in the real world of Ryan, what's been going on? Let's see. Work has been pretty generic. My boss is out until September for maternity leave, so the office will be quiet for most of the summer. I'm still working at BJ's for the extra dough, but I hope to not be doing that for very much longer if I can help it.
Gay Pride in Boston was this weekend, and I had a blast. I missed the parade on Saturday afternoon, unfortunately, but I still got to hang out with the boys (Ony, Roger, and James. <3), and we painted the town red. Actually, strange story. For those of who don't know, I used to date a boy named Kevin from New Jersey about 5 months ago. He ended things with me "Because he didn't feel it." Okay, that's cool. So who do I bump into at the Pride festival but Kevin, who's waving at me maniacally, apparently very happy to see me. Fast forward through some awkward catching up and flirty text messages on both sides, and Kevin ends up going clubbing with me and boys all night. In fact, he got locked out of his friend's apartment, and ended up staying with us at Roger's place. In the same bed as me. o_O
I've been seeing this boy named Cris. He was/is a friend of Jason, my last ex, and I officially met him at Jason's going away party, though Cris and I actually knew each other online before that. But we've been spending a lot of time together the last two weeks, and I think he's cool stuff. I think he likes me too. I'll keep you updated. :)
Lastly, the big news, since it's looking pretty official at this point. I believe I'm going to be moving into Boston at the end of the summer. My sister was looking to get a car, and I was looking to get rid of mine, since it sucks up about a third of my income every month. So, things just fell together. If I can sell her the car and get into the city, I'd be saving over $700 a month that could be redirected into rent payments. It'd be nice to be in a big city again, where there is actually stuff to do, though it separates me from my friends a bit. To be honest,
Edit: The biggest thing I'm concerned about is actually how far away from Lyndsey I'm going to be. <3
A really great article about how reckless we homos can be:
The Plague is over, let's party
I post this because I was thinking about it yesterday. Mostly because of my experience dating someone who was positive in the past, and how really insecure he was, and the fact that one of my old online friends told me that he's positive now. I feel like up until a year ago, HIV was that thing that everyone talked about, but it was a "Well my friend has a friend..." deal. It's come close to home lately, and I'm starting to wonder why that is. Is the universe trying to tell me something? That I need to be more open-minded? To be extra careful right now? What is it?
When I think about the article in the context of what goes on in America, specifically in the Boston gay scene, it's a wonder we're not all infected, honestly. People are just so reckless. It takes one mistake, you know? One time that you're too drunk, or too cracked out, or too horned up, and suddenly you've got an incurable disease. But people don't care, because being poz isn't necessarily a death sentence anymore, and so they think that it's fine. They don't think about how these drugs aren't a cure, they're just buying time. There's no cure, and HIV is getting more and more aggressive every day. All of our drugs are just building up it's immunities, making it more potent, and they still can't open their eyes.
It's sad. I'm sad about it. Cure HIV, yo!
Tonight is a night for driving. The sticky summer heat aches for aimless wandering, for heedless laughter, for simple, unadulterated passion.
These are the days I feel most alone. These are the days where everything could be perfect, where the hollow could be abated.
We search for those perfect moments. The perfect weather, company, song, emotion. We all long for a moment when the universe ticks, where we hear how small we are and appreciate the meaninglessness.
Why is Dangerous Muse so goddamn perfect and amazing?! It should be illegal.
So I just found one of my old Livejournals, and it made me nostalgic for the days when I was even more emo than I already am. Despite all the drama that went into my life that year, my sophomore year of college was amazing. I loved living in Horace Mann Hall in my single dorm, and I remember long nights of attending desk, and gallivanting around campus. In fact, a list of things that I remember about sophomore year...
1. Thom
2. AIR
3. The Monk by Matthew Lewis
4. A hot September (and one night where no one wore pants)
5. Alli threatening to attack my stalker with Windex while wearing a Kabuki mask
6. Sewing in the basement
7. Utena. <3
8. Being a desk attendant
9. Drew going to France. :(
10. Matt's acid flashback
11. Sarah's boob in a cup
12. Jason
A lot of the people I used to keep in touch with through online journals I hardly talk to anymore. Few of them followed me here to Vox, and the few that did hardly post anything any more. Is my life getting to that stage where all my friends "grow up" and stuff? When did I get old, and not realize it? God, 23 is ancient.
When did life become so...mundane? Where did the me from three years ago go?
So, has anyone else seen the trailer for the adaptation of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight?
SO BAD.
It looks so bad. And I haven't even read the book. But I hear the book isn't that great. But other people tell me it's awesome. Who knows? But I was so bored by the trailer.
Thoughts?
This week in World of R!
What I'm reading:
What I'm watching:
Still more Lost. The season finale wasn't this past Thursday like I thought, it's this week, so I'm dyyyyyying to find out what happens. Can't waaaait.
What I'm listening to:
This picture alone should make you love Cazwell. He's a gay rapper from New York, and he makes his living performing in gay clubs. His song "All Over Your Face"....well. Just imagine what it's about. I doubt any of you could fail to figure it out.
Listen to it on YouTube and lawlz with me:
Cazwell - All Over Your Face
So that's that! In other news, there isn't any other news. I saw Indiana Jones 4 this weekend. I was...mostly disappointed. I liked the references to the other movies that got made, but overall, the plot was so...out of this world...that it was hard to love it as much as the originals. Raiders of the Lost Ark FTW. I failed getting into the movie the first time I went to see it with Liz, Lyndsey, and Andy as it was sold out, but instead, I got to have smores around a bonfire with the O'Day clan. Very fun.
Jason, my ex, is having a going away party this weekend that I'm supposed to be going to with Lyndsey. He's moving to Anaheim, CA forever, apparently, and is throwing a bash. I'd like to go to say goodbye, but at the same time...I really don't want to. I dunno. I'm wishy-washy like that. We'll see what happens. I'm sure i can find something better to do with my Saturday evening than hang out with a bunch of homos and Jason's random hetero friends that I don't care to know. Then again, I might meet my next boyfriend at the party. Wouldn't that be the slap of irony, huh?
I'm home-bound this week, too. Ugh. My car is finally getting fixed from my accident on New Year's, and it's gonna take all week to fix, so for those of you I see regularly, don't expect to see me this week. Sowwie. <3
I feel like I should start doing something with this here journal that's more than just my empty rambling whining. So I thought that since I've had so much time lately to read on the train, and my musical library is ever-expanding (Thanks, Pandora Radio), I might start doing a weekly "Here's what I'm reading/watching/listening to this week" and talk about it a little. So, I guess I'll start today! (Though expect me to update again on Sunday. XD)
What I'm reading:
So, as I've been on a real "I need to get back into my writing" thing lately, I decided to pick up and read John Dufresne's The Lie That Tells a Truth again. I read back in my sophomore year in college, when I thought that reading about writing was really cool, and awesome, and very bohemian of me. (How long ago that seems, and how silly I was. Ah, halcyon days.)
Dufresne's writing on writing really struck me when I read it the first time. I picked up it originally because the title is really cool, but once I sat down and got to reading, he does a really great job talking about how writing has changed his life, and how it's really a deep part of who he is, and (if you feel you're a writer) how it's deeply part of you too. He also gives really great practice writing exercises to get you into the frame of mind, though sometimes they feel too close to that horrible horrible Writing Fiction class I took at Framingham with Drunky McDrinksalot.
What I'm watching:
Ugh. I cannot even tell you how EXCITED I am about the season finale of Lost tonight. Lost has been fabulous this season. Coming from a very mediocre third season, season four was a really great way to start the final events of the show (Only two more seasons until the end!). The flash forwards of the Oceanic Six (Those who actually get off the island and back home, for those of you who don't watch the show) combined with the action of the island really work to close the story from both ends towards the middle.
And I have this love/hate relationship with Courtney Cox right now. I loved the first season of Dirt. I thought it was brilliant, and funny, and I loved the characters. This season isn't too bad, but I feel like they're pushing it too hard. They killed off a main character at the end of the first season, and seven episodes in, they killed off another main character in the second season. This is a show about a tabloid, not a murder-mystery, guys! But overall, I love Courtney as the hard-assed editor. Not to mention she's hot as fuck. ;)
Oh Em Gee. I love these boys. I discovered Dangerous Muse through Pandora Radio while listening to artists similar to Utada Hikaru (I don't see the connection). They do this really fabulous almost-80's-electro-pop music, and I fell in love at first listen. If you have the chance, take a listen to their song "The Rejection." Here's a YouTube link: Dangerous Muse - The Rejection
Definitely a band to watch out for!
Okay, so there was my first attempt at commenting on popular culture. Maybe I'll get a whole slew of people to start listening to Dangerous Muse. <3
This is going to be a long post. (I've got a lot on my mind; i apologize in advance.)
I think I've slid further up on the "Really Fucking Gay" scale in the last few weeks. I think I'm just starting to open my eyes to the fact that I don't have to try and pretend I'm not gay. I dunno; I have this weird complex that I've never wanted to associate myself to those gays. You know the ones I'm talking about. It probably stems back to not having any gay friends in high school, except my boyfriends, which never lasted. I'm pretty sure that I was the only out gay boy in my first high school, and then I moved to Franklin, I wasn't, but the gays there didn't want anything to do with me, apparently. So. I never really had the opportunity to get into the scene and really celebrate being who I am.
So I've been doing my best to expand my circle of gay friends. I was hoping my ex, Jason, was going to help, since he and I have gotten pretty close again recently, but now he's suddenly moving to California in a month. ;__; And I went clubbing with my friend James from Springfield, and met his best friend Ony and his boyfriend, and they're fantastic. We got along really well, and let me tell you: Ony is fucking gay. Pink hair, glitter, nail polish, the works. GAY. haha But regardless, I had a really good time.
So I just need to lighten the fuck up. I really do. Actually, this would be a good time to throw in a short story. So I have a cousin who is gay (No, not Brian) named Paul, and he's one of those gays. He likes to dress in drag, and glitterfy himself, and club all the time, etc. So he had been bothering me for a while to try and hang out with him in Providence and meet his friends, and blah blah, and I was just really not interested because I was still being an uptight prick. So I was like "Listen. I'm really not interested. We have nothing in common. I don't want to club with you." And I unwittingly started this little gay feud in my family. So now, no one on his side of the family wants anything to do with me ("Because he's one of those angry gays" Paul said) so I've pretty much been alienated. But my sister told me about his angry gay comment, and I was like "Well I'm angry, but I'm not angry because I'm gay." But I started thinking....well then why am I angry?
I couldn't figure it out. I mean, there are things I could point fingers at, but honestly, I think it is because I'm gay. I always tried to turn my sexuality into "Hi I'm Ryan, and I like men" not "Hi I'm Ryan, and I'm gay" and I think there's a very distinct difference. I didn't want to be one of those gays because I wanted to fit in and be accepted, and all it's done is make me bitter about not fitting in and being accepted. I'm bitter about constantly being put on the back burner when it comes to men, I'm bitter that I've never had gay friends to talk to, I'm bitter that I never had someone to help me learn how to be happy and gay (that's a funny redundancy). So here I stand, trying to turn my gay self around at 23.
Hi, my name is Ryan, and I like pink, and listening to Britney Spears, and yes, I think Madonna is catchy, and I love dancing and shaking my ass on a dance floor.
Hi, my name is Ryan, and yes, I know a good bit about fashion. No, I will never let you go out in public unless you look fabulous, and yes, I do have to be that skinny.
Hi, my name is Ryan, and I obsess about my appearance. I aspire to be as glamorous as Victoria Beckham (because goddamn is she glamorous), and Amanda Lepore is the most fabulous woman to ever grace this planet.
Hi, my name is Ryan, and I want to be loved. I want to be hold, and kiss, and maybe (dare I say it?) get married to a man someday.
Hi.
My name is Ryan, and I'm gay.
And I'm proud.
